Sometimes it takes tragedy to create change. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve really written. The iphone note snippets cataloging the depths of my thoughts have been consistent, but I haven’t written. I love to write. I’m already emotional sitting here doing it again. Explosions in the Sky playing in the background on this crisp Sunday morning is helping. I actually just saw them here in Denver at the Ogden. Went solo. Scootered over there to a sold out sign at the box office. Then as I turned around, defeated, a gentleman named Lindsey (sp) from San Francisco announced he had two free tickets. His friends were too drunk to make it. I don’t know why one would want to get loaded before an E.I.T.S. concert but to each their own. I took Lindsey up on his offer, bought him a Stone IPA for his troubles, and was in. If you ever need to feel emotions, any kind of emotions, play E.I.T.S. and let them pour out. You’ll be amazed what your conscious will dig up.
As I mentioned, Christine is dying. Christine is a very important part of my life. She’s been there for so many big moments. Chill ones, too. We’ve been together almost a year and a half. We’ve been everywhere, many times sleeping together. From Seattle to Northern California. Northern California to Yosemite. Vegas. The Grand Canyon. LA. Southern Utah. She’s lived with me in two apartments in Denver. And now I fear she is dying. And I will be a wreck if it truly is her time. It happened over the weekend. We went to the grocery store together before a trip to Aspen. She started HEMORRHAGING this bright green liquid. Spewing everywhere. She was bleeding out in front of my eyes. Up on the flatbed she went as I watched, consoling her, making sure she knew I was there for her. She’s now resting at Astro Automotive, awaiting diagnoses on Monday. You see, Christine is my truck. She has a pineapple on the console that says anyone is welcome to adventure with her. There is a patch on the dash that says “let’s just go.” And we did, hon, oh we did. With you I was able to see more than I ever imagined I would in one lifetime. Thank you. I won’t forget that when I learn the costs to operate on you.
Christine’s possible demise has inspired me to write. She represents the same time in my life that every other post in this blog represents. Something I’m still grasping on to over a year later. And I’ve thought about this. Am I defined by that one time I took a year off and did a bunch of cool shit? I certainly try and organically insert it in to conversation whenever I can because it makes me sound cool and I hope it attracts girls. But I haven’t created anything out of it. Sure I’ve learned a lot more about myself and how the world works and those are valuable. But I haven’t created anything. And that’s led down some depressing avenues. Part of that surely is just continuing to come down over a year later from the highest point in my life. But I also think that maybe I’m just not a do-er. Maybe I was meant to work a normal job and be a good person and seek controlled adventure when I can. All that sounds fine I guess, but I struggle with it. And this is 100% on me. I have plenty of free time. I did when I was travelling too. And instead of reading, researching, making plans, grinding…..I play video games or scroll Twitter and collect my corporate paycheck. I think fate is weighted heavier than free will. I think the decisions we make are hard coded in our core person. I think it’s possible to see your own pattern and make changes, but I think that’s very hard to do. I see my pattern. I have all the time in the world to make changes, but I haven’t yet. I’m not entirely sure yet, but it’s possible I’m just not a do-er. If I’m ever able to accept that then I can probably live a pretty good life. But, as I mentioned, I’m not sure yet. After everything I learned in that time off, it’s too soon to just say I’m not and try and force myself back in to a “normal” life. I also think the right opportunity maybe has not presented itself yet. I’ve only been in Colorado for a year. I don’t know the lay of the land yet. I really hope that I am practicing what I’m telling myself, that I’m just treading water until I recognize an opportunity to create something. A livelihood worth pouring everything in to. I’ll leave this with a quote I came across. If a normal life is my fate, fine, I guess. But I’d rather not. I hope I have the courage and sight to see the right opportunity and pour all of the passion I have bottled up in to it. Christine and everything she represents can’t be for nothing.
I’ll end on this. I’m a happy dude. I love life and I’m very fortunate. I go through some euphoric ups. But there are also some crippling downs. These are easier to recognize when you spend a lot of time alone, which I do. When I’m down things get pretty dystopian. There was a really bad night recently alone in a sterile hotel room before a work meeting, questioning what I was doing there. But hey, that’s life. I think a lot of people go through this. I just write about it. And hopefully reading this helps you in some way. From day one I’ve tried to be real and relate to people and I think/hope that’s a reason all 6 of you enjoy reading what I write. Interacting with people is a key way I snap out of a funk. Chat up your barista, tell someone you like their shirt, listen to Explosions in the Sky. You’ll feel better.
One more quote that caught me before I actually leave you for now. I’m not sure what Disney I am. But I hope it’s one or the other and that I’m not somewhere in the middle. That’s not any legacy to leave. Thank you for reading. Hopefully I come back here and start writing again instead of video games and Twitter.
Oh Christ, thank God you’re not still doing this.
Who are you, anon?