This blog entry covers the beginning of my U.S. road trip to now. Seattle to Portland to San Francisco to Truckee and the Northern Sierras to Yosemite to Mammoth Lakes where I’m currently writing from a picnic bench in the preserved ghost town of Bodie, CA.
I’ve been doing a TON of writing along the way, either by using talk to text while driving or hiking, the notes app, or by writing in my journal alone in a tent, terrified in the Yosemite backcountry.
The theme of this blog is forcing yourself in to things you’re not comfortable with, which I think is something I’ve subconsciously been doing this whole time, but that I recently realized and think I can spin in to helping me succeed. I’m sure we all face the fear of the unknown. So my spin zone on all this is that by forcing myself in to these situations now, I’ll be more comfortable making decisions in these types of situations in the future. I’ll also get more comfortable doing things I’m not comfortable with.
Let’s start from the beginning, leading up to the fear and overall experience sleeping alone in the backcountry.
I flew to Seattle on May 21st and bought a 1992 Toyota Land Cruiser. I named her Christine for no particular reason other than I think it works. 26 years old and 240k miles. I hear in Land Cruiser world she’s still in her prime, albeit maybe on her last veteran contract. It’s still early in the season, but her performance through 2k+ miles and some ROUGH off roading is pointing to a good signing. I was weary at first but the more time I spend in this bus the more reliant it seems. I love it and I love driving it. It’s the perfect vehicle for what I’m doing. The downside is that she’s thirsty. 13mpg. As my friend Peter said in Seattle “don’t go anywhere fast in that thing.” And I’m not. I’ll climb a mountain or cross a stream in it but on the highway it’s right lane driving with the trucks and RVs. Which is so different in of itself. I’ve never not cared how fast I get somewhere. I’m always rushing to my destination. Now on highways I’m going 10mph below, relaxed and enjoying the drive. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere.
In Seattle I caught up with some friends from my last job at the start up. Was great to be back after spending so much time there in the corporate days. It was the ideal place to start my road trip. After one night there I cruised down to Portland, an easy and scenic drive. I stopped along the way to rip out and replace the not functioning stereo. This was a key pre-requisite for me. I need my jams to adjust the mood. Podcasts too. I stayed with Uncle Jack and Aunt Kitsy in Portland . When you’ve been travelling for a while in unfamiliar places, seeing family to help kick off your trip is a huge boost. Not only did they host me, but my Uncle and I did some minor work on the car, like attaching the tow bar that was sitting in the back taking up space. Thank you so much guys! Portland is perfectly quirky. I would definitely return to spend more time drinking the beer and eating at the food carts. They call them food carts there which I thought was kinda cool.
After Portland I took the longest straight drive I’ll take on this entire trip. I drove 11 hours or so to San Francisco. The first half is beautiful with plenty of elevation and lakes for scenery. Mt. Shasta was a highlight right after entering California. And then it gets boring AF for the last 5 hours to San Francisco. But, once I saw the city lights and got on the Golden Gate Bridge, everything changed. We were seeing The Revivalists on Saturday. My current favorite band happened to be playing in San Francisco. Cruising over that bridge with Soul’s Too Loud at full blast was a good moment and one I won’t forget along this trip.
San Francisco is another city I’d visited often in the corporate days and it was equally as exciting getting back, this time as a free man. My friend Paige was kind enough to host me on her couch in exchange for a thai curry I made and Paul flew in from Chicago. I caught up with Laura from cooking school and hung out with our other friend Laura in The Mission. I had never spent time in The Mission before. It’s authentic and I love it. Then the Revivalists concert was easily the highlight of San Francisco. They ROCKED.
From there Paul and I drove 5 hours to the Northern Sierras to spend Memorial Day camping and fishing. My usual self would have tried to organize a 25 person camping trip, which definitely has its place. But this time around I wouldn’t have had it any other way than just chilling with a good friend doing guy stuff. There’s a lesson learned there too. We caught our own trout in an alpine lake, processed them and cooked them for dinner. A year ago that would have seemed like something I’d never do, even though I’d always wanted to. Then we decided to drive 25 miles on back roads, including some of the most outrageous 4WD trails to an old mining town called Poker Flat. Seemed like a good idea considering it was my first time every doing anything like it. The inclines were about a 20% grade. There were rocks, trees and water we had to navigate through, over and around. Christine performed. She was like a Tonka Truck mashing the trail beneath her. It was an exhilarating experience climbing a mountain on uncertain terrain in a very heavy machine.
After dropping Paul off in Reno I was on my own again, heading in to my first ever National Park, Yosemite.
Sidebar – I am a major Type A personality. I’m the guy that makes an itinerary for a bachelor party. I’m the guy that if I miss an exit and know I’m going an unnecessary 5 miles out of the way to turn around I’ll get real annoyed. But when it comes to this trip it’d be information overload to plan everything in advance. Yosemite alone would take a Bible’s worth of reading. And Yosemite’s just one of many stops for me. Trying to go through all that information would lead to “fear of missing out” which would lead to me not accomplish anything despite the time spent. So I’m planning this one as I go along. I’m meeting people and getting recommendations and following brown signs and visitors guides as I go.
Stick with me now. The blog is about to get good. For Yosemite, I had no idea what I was doing except that I wanted to see this Clouds Nest I’d heard about through word of mouth. I had planned to try and car camp there. But when I spoke to a ranger and said I wanted to do Clouds Nest he said my planned campsite was 3 hours away, within the park. He suggested I spend a night in a “backpackers camp” and that he could get me a “Wilderness Permit” to do the overnight to Clouds Nest the next day. Just like that I was going to sleep in the Yosemite backcountry WAY before I was mentally ready. The ranger’s name was Chris. I’ll never forget him since he was so helpful. He was helpful partly because it was his name on the Wilderness Permit and his ass if I got eaten or burned the park down. He handed me a mandatory “bear canister” and was adamant that anything with a smell goes in there. He said this as he highlighted the part on my Wilderness Permit that says humans frequently encounter bears in the backcountry.
From that point on nothing else he said really registered cause, you know, bears. Mountain Lions too, although rare. Everything with a smell in your vehicle goes in “bear boxes” located in the parking lots and there is a sign at every opportunity to tell you about bear safety.
So anyway I’m cruising along thinking about bears killing me. And I enter the Yosemite Valley. Holy shit. The Yosemite Valley. If anyone remembers the movie The Land Before Time, the Yosemite Valley is what I picture. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s known for it’s vertical granite walls, majestic waterfalls and giant sequoia trees. You can really see how a glacier mashed its way through a mountain. When I see something spectacular I say “wow” out loud. Natural reaction. I think I had 15 “wows” driving through the Yosemite Valley in a car by myself.
So the Backpackers Camp is hidden away a bit from the RVs and other camping palaces of wholesome families that were reserved 3 years ago. Most people there were waiting their turn to climb Half Dome, Yosemite’s toughest hike. I was heading to Clouds Nest which, at 9900 feet, is no small hike itself. It has what some argue is the best view of the valley and of Half Dome. Having never done this before I sought out advice from some fellow backapckers, all of which were super cool and helpful. Every single one of them however was taken aback when I said that I’d be doing my first overnight backpacking trip alone. After the initial shock they’d try and play it down like it was no big deal. But you can’t fake the look on their faces when I first said it. So I spent the night at the backpackers camp thinking that it’s dumb to do this alone and that I might get eaten by bears. Onward.
The next morning was a good one. An excited one. The backpackers camp is nestled in the valley with a view of the granite cliffs and a waterfall. I pushed the coming night out of my mind for the time being and packed my pack. This was comical. I was about to venture out in to the Yosemite Backcountry where survival is my own responsibility and I’d never properly packed a backpack before. I knew I had all the essentials thanks to enough research. I had no idea where to put them all. Who knows if I did it right. Picture Joe from Chicago with my pack on and a smile on my face thinking I’m ready to sleep in the wilderness.
On my way out of camp I met two biologists. They needed a ride up to the trailhead, about 1.5 hours away in the park. It was a breathtaking drive to get there. I gave them a ride and they gave me some tips. Like assuring me that my first aid kit should in fact make the cut in my pack. Basics. We hiked the first half mile together but then I went ahead when they stopped. Even with the opportunity to keep going with other people I wanted to go at this alone. Once alone I became intrigued by the sounds of nothing but nature. When you stop there is so much silence that you can hear the ringing in your ears.
The trail started with knee deep snow melt water. Had to take off my boots and socks and roll my pants up. Another perfect opportunity to question why the F I was doing this. After I left the biologists I naturally lost the trail and ended up just climbing these giant granite boulders for a while. I knew the general direction from my map so wasn’t TOO concerned. I eventually caught the trail again. On the way back I realized the trail switchbacks up on the left of where I was at and I didn’t have to scale the boulders. Lesson learned.
I used my map to scout a campsite. I was going to set up camp about 1.5 miles before the summit so I didn’t have to carry my pack up the sketchy narrow path of rocks at 9900 feet. This campsite was a beaut. Sandy terrain, plenty of firewood for scavenging and an unobstructed view of part of the valley. I set up camp and had my first reminder of the day that I was going to spend the night alone in the wilderness. This fear would grow over time.
All of that fear subsided though for a few glorious moments when I reached the summit. You reach the summit by walking along a narrow, but flat enough path of stacked granite slabs. The wind is unobstructed and this is where you learn if you have a fear of heights. I knew I had a fear and this is where it kicked in. I gave myself a little audible pep talk along the way and made it.
Clouds Nest looks over the greatest geological site these eyes have ever seen. It’s the type of place where your mind goes completely blank of other thoughts in awe of what’s in front of you. It’s a mythical place. After the summit I headed back to camp where the fear set in.
On the trail you’ll run in to a few people. At dusk those people are gone. Here are the handwritten excerpts from my journal, written in my tent and around my fire. I wanted to capture in writing what goes through the mind alone on a slow ascend to the pinnacle of fear.
5/31
Yosemite – Clouds Rest Hike
Solo Camping
I can hear the pencil move as I write. I sharpened this pencil with a pocket knife.
I’m sitting in front of a fire I built with stuff from the ground.
It’s very scary doing this alone and I don’t think I’ll ever do it again. The sun is setting over the ridge. The valley in front acts like a sun dial. It’s like a ticking time bomb of fear.
Every noise is amplified.* It’s setting in that I’m in this for the long haul. Oh god.
I have to keep a state of mind that I am not prey. I can scare and fight things off.**
I keep looking behind me for movement. Nothing. ***
I stuffed the last of the Vermont Cheddar in the last of my sourdough. Just stuffed it right in the center. I debated the Salsa Macha knowing the smell and mess would increase my chances of a bear encounter by at least a few points. But the sandwich needed tang. And sweetness and flavor.
The sounds of nature change as the sun sets. No more birds but it’s a gradual decline adding to the fear.
I’m sleeping in the backcountry of Yosemite National Park. Who knew?
*I learned a valuable lesson about myself here. I was laying in my tent getting situated with the sun still out. The wind blew my rain fly in such a way that, to me, sounded exactly like the heavy breathing of a bear sniffing out my site for food. I was 100% convinced there was a bear breathing right next to my tent, where my bear canister was with my food. The fact that I was 100% convinced is key here. Hair standing up, heart beating between your ears, mind goes blank. In that moment I did what I was supposed to do. I unzipped my tent and jumped out and screamed. You’re supposed to scream to scare them away. Of course there was no bear. But I learned a valuable lesson. That in that moment of raw fear I didn’t freeze. You can’t manufacture those moments. That’s what sleeping alone in the wilderness earns you. Now you’re free to laugh at the thought of my primal scream that nobody heard.
**Note that I’m aware backpacking is common. And a seasoned backpacker might laugh at this. But as a first timer it’s different. You don’t know what to expect and anything can happen. It’s all completely foreign to you and you’re alone.
***Another side note. At some point after returning for the night from the summit, I’d noticed what resembled a fresh paw print inches from my tent. I think my mind couldn’t handle it and pushed it out, convincing myself it was my boot print. It’s now a few days later and I Googled what a mountain lion print looks like. You be the judge. My heart sank when the search results returned.
I’ll add a few more afterthoughts to that night in Yosemite here before getting to my entries from the morning. As a kid would you ever start going up the stairs after dark only for your mind to manifest that something is chasing you and you have to get to your bed as fast as you can? That was the feeling I had, like something was stalking me. And as the visibility faded that amplified. It’s also mandatory to extinguish your fire, something I was VERY reluctant to do as that meant it was really go time. In my tent I watched a downloaded Netflix episode. I tore the headphones off twice thinking I’d heard something outside. I kept my pocket knife next to me, open, and went through scenarios of how I would handle a bear or cougar attack. I know this sounds outrageous and maybe even embarrassing but that’s where the mind goes. It was a VERY cold night. But I was prepared. I couldn’t take my arms out of my sleeping bag and had the hood on. Like a mummy. I was very close to cold but I wasn’t cold. A few degrees lower and I would have been in bad shape. I did however bring an emergency blanket in case that happened, think of what the marathon runners wear after a race. It felt good to know I’d done enough research to be prepared for the cold.
I eventually found sleep and the next morning I woke up at 8am to a beautiful day. The temp was still cold but it was glorious in the direct sun. Coffee was something I would not be without. Coffee in the morning was one of the big highlights of doing this actually. So I had my coffee and listened to Wilder Mind by Mumford and looked out over my little slice of wilderness and the valley and my eyes welled up a bit. I’d done it.
The bigger thing here is that now I am confident to continue to do things that push me to face fears. To make decisions under pressure. In my journal I wrote that this whole time since quitting my job I’d been thinking about what it is to be human. That conversation can go many directions. But one of them is what we do when faced with a quick decision under pressure. I didn’t freeze.
Thanks for reading, I know this was a long one. I’m leaving Mammoth Lakes tomorrow for I don’t know where. Suggestions are welcome. My next big stop is the Grand Canyon.
“WOW!”
https://youtu.be/anaGg47_aq8
“WOW!”
https://youtu.be/anaGg47_aq8