The Relationship Blog

I’ve been in Oaxaca, Mexico for 2 months now. It seems longer. Since arriving I’ve made some friends, had a job and have otherwise acclimated pretty well. I think it takes about 1.5 months of being somewhere to have a solid grasp of the place, assuming it’s not New York City or somewhere else huge. I know some names, know some of the good spots not listed in Lonely Planet or similar and can generally conduct business as if I lived here. Por ejemplo, I know that no one has change for 500 pesos, even though that’s all the ATMs spit out. I know that any local cab ride charging more than 50 pesos is ripping me off. I know how to take the bus or a collectivo far out of town for $0.75 USD instead of $25 USD. I also know enough Spanish now to make basic conversation and transactions. It’s actually a really good feeling making a somewhat complex transaction in Spanish. Por ejemplo, explaining to a cab driver that my apartment is behind the hospital and how to get there. Or understanding my options when booking my recent trip to the mountains. I saved $400 USD by questioning their initial price and realizing it was significantly cheaper to not have someone else carry my stuff and to select the basic, instead of of luxury cabin. If I had just signed the dotted line and shown up only to learn that another human had to carry my stuff from village to village I would have felt like the biggest doofus.

Yet despite all of my progress, there is still something missing. Companionship. After all this time in relative isolation I have enough data to make some important conclusions. Conclusions I couldn’t have made before and I’m happy to have made them.

Here is an excerpt from my journal I wrote on April 2nd while sitting on a park bench reading my book.

“Conclusion. I’ve been trying to answer this for some time. Do I want someone to share this with? The whole idea from the start was that it was to be just me, in all my selfishness. And finally, as I sit on this park bench and listen to bluegrass, the answer is yes. [But it has to be] someone who I’d rather be with than alone. I guess that’s what everyone is looking for but it took me a minute.”

Furthermore, another conclusion is that I’ve learned to value more the real relationships that I’m fortunate enough to already have.  Let’s start with my family. I haven’t really talked about my family and I regret that. My family is unconditional love. They are my support system and I take that for granted sometimes. And It’s only possible to take them for granted because they’ve just always been there. And by support I mean more than just letting me store my stuff in their basement. I mean that they support me in all of these crazy decisions. They make me feel okay and safe because I know that they’re there no matter what. When I video call my parents and it takes them a few seconds to adjust the screen and debate with each other how to get the audio right while having their face an inch from the camera is priceless. Once it’s all sorted and we see each other and smile I feel so safe and secure. So thank you guys. I love you.

And to my extended family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Your comments of support mean a ton as well. Thank you. I’ll see some of you soon on my upcoming road trip and can’t wait.

To expand on the first point let’s talk about romantic relationships. This is a diary, right? Diaries talk about girls. As I mentioned before I concluded that I want someone to share this with. Spending this time alone has helped me to better understand who I am and what drives me. I think that self progress and understanding is huge in finding the type of person I want to be with. And also to help that person decide if they want to be with me.

This quote has always stuck out to me:

“I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You’re not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones.”

It’s by Horacio Jones. I’m not sure who Horacio Jones is but he nailed it. Note that I’m well aware that this quote works both ways. I want to be in a relationship where this quote applies to both sides.

I know that dating back to when this all started I’ve had some really strong feelings that I haven’t felt in a long time, none of which really worked out in to anything. Some people just aren’t that in to you haha. I’ve also hurt some people and I feel terrible about that. My concern is that I’m having a hard time deciding what are real feelings and what aren’t since I think my head is a bit clouded with all of the uncertainty and isolation. I’ll never settle but I wish the universe would go ahead and make this easy and obvious.

I will say this, I’ve had a few nice relationships since this journey started. They mutually didn’t work out for various reasons but they were good and I’m learning from them.

I met Dany here in Oaxaca. We matched on Tinder and before anyone messaged we happened to sit next to each other in a cafe. I said “Hey, I think we matched on Tinder.” Smooth. Anyway, we hung out for a bit and she taught me through one of her favorite quotes to let relationships happen organically. Here are a few excerpts from the quote by Nayyirah Waheed:

“it may be five mins. five hours. five days. five months. five years. a lifetime. let it manifest itself, the way it is meant to. it has an organic destiny.”

“souls come into, return, open, and sweep through your life for a myriad of reasons, let them be who and what they are meant.”

The conclusion there is to not force it! Let things fall naturally. Thanks Dany =).

Wrapping up the blog, this past week I was even more isolated, by choice. I hiked between tiny villages in the northern Sierra Mountains for 7 days. I very rarely had any connection to the outside world. Myself and a guide would hike for 8-14 miles a day. After that I’d have a meal and then a LOT of free time. Without the internet. Without Netflix. Without any other humans around except the first night when I met a cool group of German girls. I had a book called Sapiens. I spent my afternoons and evenings either reading that book or sitting solo in front of the fireplaces in my basic “eco-cabanas.”

As I’d planned, I did a lot of thinking and wrote in my journal often. I came to some more conclusions. Here are the musings of my brain in isolation in the remote mountains of Oaxaca Mexico:

– Cuajimoloyas, April 10th

“Many emotional ups and downs lately. Asked [myself] the question today that I set out on this journey to find something more. But what if there is nothing more. What if life just is what it is. I surely hope not and hold out hope that there is more and that I’ll find it. I’ve resolved myself to keep looking.”

“I think solo travel has an expiration. I’m going to try and renew mine though because I’m not done yet.”

-Benito Jaurez, April 11th

“My hands are cold, so hard to write. I’m better today [emotionally]. My knee hurts still. Last night I sat in front of fire with my own thoughts for 3 hours. Then I pulled the bed close to the fire and it was amazing.”

“An old man walks in [to the restaurant]. They negotiate & settle on an amount of potatoes they’ll purchase.”

“Stay[ing] in a summer camp like building, but I’m the only one. Giant main chamber w/ 2 fireplaces but all tables/chairs put away. Then 4 rooms stacked w/ bunk beds. I am only one here. Sitting in front of fireplace, slapped medicinal plant [with tiny thorns] on aching knee & achilles & have chocolate candy warming in fire.” 

^^^ I made a note on next page on how creepy that night was. 

-Neveria, April 12th

“Neveria is a ghost town. 40 people live here but I’ve only seen 5. My cabana is 800 meters from town higher up. I will be only one up here tonight. But my cabana is smaller and significantly more cozy. I’ll have a fire & finish my book. I should have downloaded Netflix or at least more books because once this one is done I’ll have nothing for entertainment. What I would give for a cheesy “who done it.”” 

“My knee is a bit better but now my heel hurts. Nothing serious. I smell cause I didn’t bring deodorant and I’m re-wearing clothes.”

“9pm – fireside. Isolation is cool and worth doing but can not be permanent. I really miss my people. The ones I have real relationships with.”

“I 100% cannot go back to a job I care nothing about.”

“I can do this. It’s okay for a human not to have a set schedule. We lived this way for thousands of years*

*Sapiens book.” 

“I really want a companion with me during this, even if it’s a dog. Maybe best if it’s a dog.”

“I 100% have to have a firm plan by August 31st (1 yr).”

“There is kind of a badass feeling sitting in front of this fire, in a basic cabin, in an empty, 70 person village in the mountains of Southern Mexico.”

-Latuvi, April 13 and 14th

“Latuvi. Best pueblo yet. Got myself a pen too. Best view. Temazcal unique experience…”

“Sapiens says happiness is relative. You adapt to your environment. I agree when I see elderly ladies climbing these mountain roads daily w/ a smile on their face.”

“You don’t go to Target and buy a height chair, you build it. I’ve always been a bit ashamed of rampant consumerism.”

Here are some photos from the hike: